Inner Critic

We've all got one - a nagging voice that picks on us to no avail. I'm getting better at telling mine where to go through the help of a bit of music therapy. Here's my song-rant about my inner critic.

Subpersonalities  - You're not entirely who you think you are...

I used to wonder why I would behave a particular way in different situations. Then along came some courses on subpersonalities. Is it really true that we are made up of a plethora of different personalities that come out to play at different times? mmmm hmmmm. And I'm not talking about dissociative identity disorder ( or what used to be called multiple personality disorder). No, sub-ps are an integral part of every human being. They are parts of us that may have developed in childhood to get a need met or may correspond to a role or job position we have taken on as an adult. Our ego is comprised of numerous selves, each with its own distinct energy. We may or may not be conscious to these selves. Those of us who go about our day on auto-pilot will most likely have no conception of when a particular subpersonality is operating. 

My song explains further the fascinating world of the sub-p. Happy listening!

How much do you reaaallly like yourself?

'Tis another journal question for Spiritual Director. They dig deep. They hit home...

Do you like yourself as much as you want others to like you?

            ... a tricky yet timely question. I’ve been examining recently my desire to be liked by everyone; where it stems from, how powerful it is, and what purpose it serves. My people pleaser sub-personality plays a key role in my apparent need to be liked by others. Wanting to be liked from this perspective, however, comes from a place of lack, a perceived idea that I alone am not good enough and therefore need approval from others to be validated as a worthy human being. Coming from this energy, how could I possibly like myself?

As I do my work this is shifting. I understand on an intellectual level that I am the universe in person yet I continue to work toward feeling this on a visceral level; to let is sink through my neurons, down my spine into my bones, sinew, blood, and flesh, until I can espouse the notion in every fiber of my being. Maybe then I will like myself more. Right now, as I work towards seeing myself as I really am, I strive to be easy on myself and practice self-compassion. I ask myself, “Whom must you live with for the rest of your life?”  Oh! Only me. Then what matters more: liking myself or being liked by others? Myself, of course. Ah, but the existential fear of rejection screeches like a banshee, tearing me from my grounded zone of Universal love, if ever I can get there. When I feel like I have gained ground in my attempts at redemption from self-pity, I swoop back down the curve of the spiral and wind up in a familiar place with just slightly more knowledge. This is the nature of the search, and soon I will be propelling myself up the spiral, happy as a lark. And larks are cute. I can like a lark. Larks are happy regardless of who likes them. Maybe someday I will get there.

Putting a question out there to the Universe, or God, if you will...

In my spiritual director class we are given several questions to answer over the term. Naturally, I have been procrastinating in the same way I have been putting off starting this blog. It dawned on my that I can put an end to my procrastinating all around and forever by cutting two carrots with one knife (compassionate version of the birds/stone expression) and posting my first journal question as my first blog post. Yes, I am too industrious for my own good. So here it is, my answer to the question,

"What question would you like to ask God and why?"

I am tackling this question after just having tested a chocolate recipe for the first time and subsequently consuming nearly half the chocolate before getting it into the mold. My first inclination is therefore to ask God, “Why is my self-control always reduced to naught when it comes to chocolate?” Engaging God in this dialogue, however, would be futile as we all know it is best to just surrender to chocolate. I’m sure God knows that I know this. Moving on to a question in which the stakes are slightly higher, relatively speaking, yet of content concerning no greater importance, absolutely speaking, I would ask God, “What is my higher purpose and how can I use it to serve all sentient beings and our planet?”

            Getting an answer to this question would probably make life too easy, yet that doesn’t stop my burning desire to know...now.  Given the option, I’d much rather skip the discovering, which would of course involve inherent mistakes, obstacles, stepping out of my comfort zone, facing fears and maybe even falling on my face a few times. How wonderful it would be to instantaneously come to a definite knowing of why I am here! I could therefore get started on pursuing my higher purpose sans self-doubt or questioning, “am I really doing the right thing?”

            As I contemplate this question to God, an unsettling feeling comes over me. My inner wisdom tells me that the answer will come in due time yet my ego would love to take the short cut and know right NOW. Despite my resistance, it appears that like so many others, I too have bought into our culture of instant gratification. Knowing the answer to this question would negate the journey required to truly come to and know the answer. The learnings, skills, encounters, growth and self-knowledge attained along the way which are necessary components to the answer of my purpose question would perhaps be overlooked if I had a tangible answer at the snap of my fingers. Following my intuition, noticing synchronicities, using discernment, staying true to myself and diving into the mystery are far more pertinent ways of realizing my purpose than a simple, “Hey God, what do you want me to do? Just tell me and I’ll do it." 

            All this being said and painstakingly mulled over in the short time it’s taken me to write this, I’ve decided to retract my question. Instead, I go back to my original theme concerning chocolate, and I ask, “Dear God, could you make it possible for me to inhale copious amounts of chocolate minus the consequent icky-tummy feeling?”

Love your chocoholic devotee,

Erin

What was left of my yummy chia-choc-ies 

after my gorge-fest